Luther: Demon Yard Dog

Sad sad update: Bruno, our beloved Yorkie/Pom/Hairless Chinese crested dog met his end on December 7, 2013. He is deeply missed. Luther seems to have missed him as well because when I went to move him for the first lawn mowing of 2014 he crumbled into a bunch of rusty shards and bits of crackled plastic. His innards were in tatters as well. It was obviously his time as well and we miss him oddly more than we would have expected.
Rest in peace the both of you fine creatures and thank you for the smiles.

No people....Bruno has not contracted rabies and turned into Cujo. The dog I am referring to is our yard ornament that Walt has named Luther because we are convinced it is possessed. You can see in the picture below the head does not articulate meaning his head DOES NOT MOVE! And yet when we drive into our site he is watching for us and looks right at us as we drive in. And then we stop the car and turn it off. We turn and look at him and he is LOOKING RIGHT AT US.

At first Walt didn't notice but I kept noticing and saying 'that dog just turned its head and is looking at me.' Each time there was a bit more emphasis on the observation, as my voice got louder and screechier. Walt finally started looking because, as has been proven many times in our relationship, he really listens better the screechier my voice gets - not louder, that tends to end the conversation - but screechier, definitely.

When he finally observed the effect of being 'watched' by an inanimate object he freaked and ran to to the dog trying to manually make its head turn. Trying, as our rehab medical receptionist Stephanie would say, 'to debunk the dog'. I wish, wish, wish I had a video of the debunking attempt, but alas you'll just have to take my word for it.

Walt confirmed that the head does not turn. The dog was not debunked after all.

I then went for photographic evidence. You can kind of see below what I mean. So, so creepy! One thing that is making us feel a little better is that Bruno really, really likes to pee on it and when he does we say 'There! Take that you little bastard!

     And finally Bruno trying to debunk the dog

And Bruno peeing on Luther.  There! Take that you wicked, wicked yard ornament!

Peace be with you and all that jazz

Luther der Damon Kettenhund
Herzlich willkommen auf meiner Leser aus Deutschland

Copyright (c) - 2012.  Chardale Irvine - All rights reserved.  You may not publish or reprint this without permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank you.

Riding in the Ridey Carts While Shopping

Walt and I both have had the not-so-wonderful need to ride in the ridey carts while shopping of late.  So far, luckily, we have not needed them at the same time.  We have some observations that the as yet non-rider might consider. 

The motorized cart is a moving machine.  A machine.  A MACHINE with a Motor.  When I'm driving it - and I'm 51 years old - with fairly good dexterity - there is a delay between when I notice that you are not paying attention and when I release the "forward" switch and when the machine actually stops moving.  If you are not paying attention you might want to hope that the ridey cart driver is.  You don't have to have a license or insurance to drive the ridey cart.  There are no lessons or practice requirements.  You don't know if that ridey cart driver is a seasoned, experienced driver or a one-time, inexperienced driver because they just had toe surgery.  They don't make you wear a sign that says which you are.  They also don't require a drug test. 

There is no accelerator on the ridey cart.  It goes forward, backwards or stops.  If I am ahead of you and moving I am going as fast as I can go.  And...the carts go much slower than I would normally walk.

The profile of the ridey cart is larger than the shopping cart.  You know when you see one of those big carts with the kid driving the plastic car attached to the cart and Mom pushing?  That's similar to the size of the ridey cart.  It is difficult to turn tight corners and weave around obstacles like people standing in the middle of the aisle gazing at the shelf.  If you are doing that I'm going to have to wait for you to move and that means it holds me up as well as anyone behind me.  I'll probably write another post someday about shopping aisle and sidewalk etiquette but to simplify the concept - keep your cart on the same side of the aisle as you would your car and....if you have to get something across the oncoming traffic side of the aisle make it quick and be aware of your surroundings.

The "horn" on the ridey cart sounds the same as the back up alarm.  If you hear the back up alarm you may want to look around.  It is not loud or invasive so it might be hard to hear it.  We now take our Bear Canned Horn with us when we're going to need the ridey cart.  It is LOUD.  Loud enough to scare off bears so I'm pretty sure it is gonna scare that crap out of a person though I haven't had the opportunity or gotten the guts up to use it yet. 

Don't be surprised if you hear it in a store near you soon because I may just market those puppies to the ridey cart rider community although they are quite the eclectic group so marketing would be a nightmare.  Maybe I could just market it to the ridey cart manufacturers.  Ya...that's what I'll do.

Uh...maybe start a letter writing campaign?  I'm listing the names of some manufacturers at the bottom of this post.  If you are a ridey cart rider, plan to EVER be a ridey cart rider or know someone who IS a ridey cart rider you too have a voice.  Write them a letter and tell them to put a louder horn on the ridey cart (usually referred to as "motorized shopping carts" but I like the term "ridey cart" because that is what my kids called them when they were little.  I still call ducks "Gucks" for the same reason...but I digress).  Huh..just now I went to find the names of the manufacturers and they are primarly in China.  Well, I guess I'm back to marketing them to the ridey cart rider community.

I drive the ridey cart like I drive my car - giving pedestrians the right of way.  Unfortunately, the ridey cart is not quite as responsive as my car and this results in close calls.  It would not result in close calls if I wasn't the only one paying attention to my surroundings.  This is MY approach.  That does not mean ALL ridey cart riders have the same perspective.

If you run into me I am going to give you the stinkeye.   This is because I, most likely, have just "considered" 25 other people by the time you ran into me.  When you are the 26th person who has failed to acknowledge that a moving MACHINE is near you I'm going to be just a little frustrated.  I would like to have a one liner that would educate people during close calls or collisions.  I'm still working on that but not too hard because I'm hoping and planning to not need the ridey cart pretty darn soon.

Yes I DO worry that my butt is going to end up on People Of Walmart while riding the ridey cart but as my daughter Kaycee says, it is more likely that I will land there from melting down crying in the far aisle because I'm so exhausted from shopping.  When I walk in the store I feel fine but 3/4 of the way through I'm on overload and fatigue and pain washes over me.  Several times I've been at the back of the store with a full cart and was so exhausted that I considered leaving it and trying to make my way back to the car.  Those times I had no idea that it was going to happen when I walked in the store.  Like I said, I felt fine when I walked in.  So, so frustrating. 

I've heard of people with CFIDS/FM cutting in line at the cash register when they get like that.  I haven't done that.  Not because I didn't think about it or that it wouldn't help (and believe me it would help) but because I thought trying to negotiate for that consideration would take more energy than just waiting.

If you're ever in line and feeling expansive or empathetic or even empathic consider this:  The person riding the ridey cart is most likely ill or in pain of some sort.  They have just done their shopping having to consider and process all the same things as the ambulatory (walking) person does (ie:  menus, lists, price comparisons, locating items in the store, keeping track of how much they are spending, dealing with fellow shoppers not paying attention to others, smells, sounds, colors, etc.) all the while driving a vehicle that they only drive once or twice a week for an hour or so AND not feeling well.

If you want to make someone smile offer to let a ridey cart shopper cut in front of you in line at the cash register.  They will likely decline out of pride but it will make their day that you offered. There are of course other categories of people that will smile when you do that like the frayed mother who is shopping with her children or perhaps an elderly couple but NEVER, NEVER let a teenager cut in line - unless they are in a ridey cart, of course. 

Peace be with you and all that jazz

Copyright (c) 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  All rights reserved.  You may not publish or reprint this except for educational purposes without permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank you.

Desperately Seeking Kaycee

A quick post addressed to those people who are checking to see how Kaycee is doing:  We know you are there (and thanks for visiting and reading btw).  I told Kaycee she had several people finding my site by Googling her.  She thought she would try to yard up some of the randomness by letting me post her email address on here.  We are not sure it will work but it kind of puts an energy of open- ness out there.  What or who will the universe bring her?

So...if you are wondering how she's doing or what she's doing send her a quick note via email.  Her email address is  kayceemackley@rocketmail.com

Please...only 'nice' emails.  There have been enough hard times of late.  And if you just want to start a dialogue ask her about any airport in the country.  Or ask her to tell you about cats.  Or ask her to tell you about "Dead Like Me".  Or ask her to tell you who Mindy Margerine is.  Or ask her to tell you about Jesus Money.

Peace be with you and all that jazz.

Facing Fear

I have had a new challenge of late that has set me back on my heels in the literal sense.  It has forced me to look at what about my body I take for granted.  I have been on Disability for 19 years for a back injury and CFIDS/FM.  During this time I've had periods of being very, very ill to some periods of what I would call "remission' if there is such a thing in the CFIDS/FM spectrum.

I have had constant pain at varying levels and fatigue at varying levels. I have had the elements of my bipolar at play as well but other than just a few notable times where I've suffered an acute injury from a fall I have had complete and trusted access to the use of my legs.

I have something new lately.  I'm telling my doctors, chiropractor, physical therapist, massage therapist and acupuncurist and their response so far has been universal:  "Hmmm". 

I'm not sure why the response is so...what would you call that...laissez-faire?  I'm weary of trying to decipher the "back story" that explains the odd responses I get from the medical community.  It can be illuminating but quite an effort to figure it all out.

I'm telling them there is something strange going on with my legs and I'm having a hard time swallowing.  My legs feel uncoordinated and floppy except for my quad muscles which are permanantely flexed.  When I walk I feel very unsure of my feet and my legs.  Each step feels very choppy and robotic and the more I walk the worse it gets.

Is this alarming? I'm not sure.  I have been trying to not over dramatize it, especially given the lacksadaisical response I've gotten from my medical care providers, but it has been eating away at my psyche.  Playing doctor a little bit it could be: 1) The disseminated HSV1 has gone somewhere in addition to my lungs. 2) A side effect of the physical therapy I have been getting on my back or 3) multiple sclerosis or a bunch of other equally ominous possibilities.  Or...I could call one of the Indian doctors who treated me in the hospital and they would likely tell me I'm having a panic attack.  (Honestly, I've been casting about trying to produce any explanation that would indeed make it a panic attack.) 



Aloe blooming in the next site over

It turns out - upon close introspection - that I now do not trust my legs.  I am afraid to go walking very far by myself and I'm afraid to go swimming by myself.  I don't have a car most of the time so even going to get the mail or going to the pool on the other side of the Park has seemed daunting.  I am afraid to go swimming because I dont know how my legs will do in the water.

This is all very foreign to me.  I have taken for granted my ability to put one foot in front of the other without thinking about it.  The swallowing issue is freaking me out too but not as much as the leg issue.  So yesterday I decided to face my fear demons and walk no matter how much fear I was feeling.

I walked once around our loop yesterday and once around the whole Park in the middle of the night.  The walking did not get easier, by the time I got back to the RV I was barely moving and just shuffling along but I felt empowered - like I didn't let fear keep me stuck.  Today I walked around the loop twice and around the Park once with the same result. 

The walking test just further enforces to me that I need to invest the energy needed to get at least one doctor to give a shit.  It infused me with strength as I faced yet another fear and overcame it.  I know this about myself - letting fear keep me from progressing makes me crazy.  The noisy message I have to tell myself to keep myself from doing something I know I need to do will drive me literally insane.  If I want to be at peace and have serenity I HAVE to face my fears.

Copyright (c) 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  All rights reserved.  You may not publish or reprint this article without the permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank you.

The Irvine War Zone: Bed, Bath & Beyond

In nine and a half years of marriage I don't think that Walt and I have ever gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond without getting into a fight 3/4 of the way through the store.  We don't go there that often - but when their coupons for 20% off a single (overpriced but quality) item arrive we can't resist acting.  And, since we don't go there often we forget that we fight EVERY time we go there.

That is part of what went on today.

The other part is the situation around holidays that this nomadic lifestyle puts us in. I have adjusted to most of the challenges that living like this brings but I have not yet figured out how to do holidays and be okay without being with my family. And it is Mother's Day today. My own mother is no longer alive and the people that I am mother to are 3/4 of the way across the continent and none of us has the means to make visiting possible at this point.

I approach every holiday with grand plans of making it through it without sinking into a funk.  I have yet to make it through a holiday, besides maybe Halloween, without sinking into said funk.

So today....Mother's Day 2012....and my sister Sherone's birthday (Happy Birthday Seester :)....started out in the grand plan mode.  Here is your late Blogcard:

We slept in until 10:30 am and then went to breakfast at our favorite little, local, coffee shop - Cafe Perks.  They gave me flowers there.  And Walt gave me a beautiful singing card that plays "I Will Love You Forever and Ever" along with an Adele CD/DVD set.  This all made me happy at one
level but that undercurrent of forlorn sadness of missing my mom and my kids was still there, lazily floating underneath everything..

And then we innocently went together to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Someone should have turned on the "Jaws" movie music when we walked through the doors.  Bed, Bath and Beyond should have facial recognition that alerts fellow shoppers that a serial marital drama is about to play out, even if the leading man and leading woman didn't realize it.

There are two movies that turn on when we walk through the BBB doors:  His movie and Her movie.

His movie goes like this:   He is in military mode as the superior officer  and I am the underling.  He has a mission outlined in his head, parts of which are top secret and not to be shared with a lowly underling.  Parts are so obvious that they don't deserve discussion.  Either way, very few of the mission details are discussed in any kind of succinct, battle plan way.

In his movie called "Walt's BBB Quick Strike" - we are to enter the store with the target clearly defined (today the 'target' was a queen size fitted sheet).  Sheets are always in the back, right corner, so after entering the store we take a quick right, then a quick left - rush forward, taking no prisoners and ignoring the indigent population and local authorities (ie: other shoppers and store personnel).

When we reach the back of the store we search quickly to acquire the target (with as little discussion as possible about color, thread count or how it fits with existing decor).  Then we retreat where we use the in-store 20% off bait coupon at the cash register, avoiding ALL impulse buys and interacting with the store staff at check out as little as possible.

After checkout we go out to the car and rush to the next target location where we quickly and systematically run through the list of things that HAVE to be done today by such and such an unknown time because it seems as though the world might end by then and we need to have this stuff done.  The End.

My movie, called "Char's Excuse to Finally Go To BBB" goes like this: Rules of the game:  I don't go to BBB unless I have a coupon.  When the coupon comes in the mail or email I have my chauffeur - whose name happens to be Walt, drive me to BBB.  He follows me into the store where I refuse to get a basket because I'm only getting one thing (this time, again, it is a queen size fitted sheet).

I know from my many previous battles - uh, visits - that the sheet section is in the back, right of the store.  So upon entering, I turn to my left to strategically wander through every aisle between the store on my way to the sheet  section, looking for items that will improve the quality of life for myself and my chauffeur - uh, I mean, husband.  This level of scrutiny is more imperative than ever since we live in the RV because space management ideas are of key importance and new things are always being developed to help with this. My intent is to scope but not purchase, but I usually find things that I see are a good deal or would not be available somewhere else and get those.

By the time I get to the sheet section my arms are full with these special finds (because I refused to get a basket) and by now my chauffeur is carrying my purse.  Because my arms are full he has to sort through the sheets himself to find the right one and he has to carry it to the rest of the way to check out.

After finding the sheet, we will then wander through each of the remaining aisles, continuing to look for "ideas" and "opportunities" to improve our quality of life.  At checkout I will present my official BBB certificate of appreciation coupon of 20% off any single item, ask that it be applied to the most expensive item in my arms, pay and leave for the next task.  The goal is to get as much done in the day as is comfortable (for me - the narcisisstic part), enjoyable (for me - another narcisissitic part) and useful (for us - yes this is the co-dependent part).  The End.

What happens in the reality TV show that is called "Walt and Char's Real Life", my movie starts to play out when we walk through the door and our reality show starts right then as Walt walks in front of me, usually walking backwards, facing me, to try to coax me through and draw my attention away from the items in the store.  I will somehow stop several times and have "discussions" (ha ha) with him (but really with myself) about this item or that item and by the time we make it around to the sheets he is tense and panicked and I am tense and frustrated.  We get the sheet and I will try one, last ditch, time to get him involved in the problem solving dilemmas that all these options provide and he, with fully 1/4 of the store left to "explore" or "conquer", depending on who you're talking to, will lose his temper.

This usually happens, not for any reason other than its unfortunate location in the store, in the mattress pad section.  I then lose my temper and call a halt to all joint shopping ventures for the rest of our lives with the familiar, (to him by now), "I'm Done"and I march to the front of the store, where he pays and then we go out to the car and I ask to be taken home.  The End.  Well, it isn't really quite "The End" because there's usually a kind of stinky fight that takes place after that on the ride home but I won't bore you with the details of how that plays out.  Here is proof that we survived the battle:

Today, Mother's Day 2012, it didn't play out well.  The underlying sadness and disappointment that I am feeling from being away from my family bubbled up and caused, as it usually does now on these nomadic holidays, a complete, eventual meltdown on my part.  I retreat to try to pull myself together, talking to people on the phone when they call, lightly discussing the days events for those who have the capacity or interest in hearing it.  And then the day comes to a close.

Tomorrow I will wake up and start re-absorbing the sadness and disappointment.  I will get ready for the next holiday that will be difficult in less than a month, June 8th, which happens to be my daughter Kaycee's 30th birthday.  June 8th was my mom's birthday as well.  The next week will be Father's Day - which will be difficult as well.

There are sacrifices that we make to live this lifestyle and this is the major one for me really.  I hope I get better at it but I doubt I will.  I have struggled with sadness during holidays since adulthood even when I lived closer to family.  This was always made worse though when I could not be with them.  Walt admitted tonight before bed that he struggles with it too so at least I know I'm not making the sacrifice alone.

This grand adventure, this Curious Journey, doesn't come without some struggle and pain.

The moms in my life that I am missing tonight:

My Mom:  Sylvia Anna Griffiths Dotson - passed September 4, 2010

This was taken in Bend, Oregon in the summer of 2009 when Mom & Dad came to visit us and explore the Oregon coast.  This was the last time I had a conversation in person with my mom. I was just getting over a severe case of shingles so don't remember much about it but I'm grateful someone snapped this picture.

My Mother in Law:  Carla Dalton - Katy, TX

Carla, Walt & Chad

My StepMom in Law:  Kye Irvine - Warner Robins, GA

Kye, Walter & Logan

My Daughter:  Kaycee Mackley - mom to Henry Johnson - age almost 4 - Northglenn, CO

Henry Johnson & Kaycee

My Stepdaughter:  Amanda Falso - mom to Logan Falso - age almost 2 - Junction City, KS

Brandon, Amanda & Logan

My Daughter In Law:  Kelsey Mackley (Matt's wife) - mom to Memphis - age almost 2 - Thornton, CO

Kelsey & Memphis

Shane Mackley's (age 10 1/2) mom Rachael - Wales, UT
Cadence Barney's (age 6 months) mom Adrian - Provo, UT

(Shane and Cadence are Adam's kids)

Happy Mother's Day ladies. Thank you for being in my life.

Copyright (c) 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  All rights reserved.  You may not publish or reprint this article without permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank you.

If it quacks like a duck....

Today I had a much needed and long overdue pedicure. My feet had taken on a Shrek-esque look. When I walked into the salon they, as usual had me select a nail polish color. I selected a nice red color and gave it to the technician who is Asian.

I went to the restroom and when I got back to my seat she had selected a different nail polish for me. She said she did this because the one I had selected would quack.

I said, "Quack?"  Huh? So I'm repeating it back to her - "It is going to quack?!"

"No", she says. "It will QUACK."

I'm not repeating it now because I don't want sound challenged but I'm having a difficult time acting anything other than incredulous.

"What?!" I ask with a bit of screech in my voice.

Again she repeats it, except this time veeerrrry sloooowwwly and a bit louder -"The color you picked will quack."

I'm still looking at her. Stunned into silence. My mind is racing trying to figure out what she is trying to say. Then she makes a crinkly sound in her throat and mimics crumpling up a piece of paper. And then I get it!

The color I chose will CRACK (crackley nail polish is a fad now). We were both so relieved when I finally understood her!

The place is called Connie's Nails. I got a great pedicure for $25. I have diabetes so am very picky about who I let do my pedicures. This place was very clean and the price was right.

And there were no ducks anywhere in sight.


Copyright (c) - 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  All rights reserved.   You may not republish or print this article without permission from Chardale Irvine.

Saying Goodbye to Bryan

"What lies ahead and what lies behind are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been a very difficult couple of weeks for our family, and the family and friends of my daughter's boyfriend. He passed away on Monday, April 17th of causes related to mental illness and addiction. He was 29.

This is really my daughter's journey and pain so I won't write much about him. What I did want to write about though is depression and suicidal thinking.

I have found that amongst people like me who struggle with constant suicidal thinking that even with all the sadness, anger and pain that happens when someone dies like this, there is the thought, at least for a moment, sometimes longer, that they were the lucky ones.  They made it out.  I don't get to say that out loud often.

I have been working for many months now on not feeding these thoughts.  When they happen I acknowledge them but I don't invest any energy in them.  I don't let my mind play out the possible scenarios.  I started doing this because someone in my life started expressing their own thoughts about suicide.  This was someone who was never suicidal before they started hanging around me and I thought, hmmm, I think I might be a bad influence.

I have always made it a point to share when I'm feeling suicidal because I thought if I was talking about it, it was taking the power away from the thoughts.  That wasn't actually what happened.  What happened was that by doing this I was creating a safe environment to fantasize about killing myself or dying, and although prior to this person's ideation I would have defended my need for this myself, when I saw it being there for someone else it seemed very dangerous.

It was because of the way this person talked about it with no Affect.  It was how I talk about it and think about it. For me I am apathetic about it because I know I'll never have the courage to do it but I also am relatively certain the thoughts will always be there, so I speak about it with apathy.  It bores me and at the same time comfortable and familiar.  But this person was talking about it, not with apathy, but no affect.  It is alarming when someone starts ideating out of the blue. I thought they really ought to be alarmed but they weren't and I thought they weren't because they were modeling their experience after mine.

Upon examination I decided that as an 'Old Timer' in the suicidal ideation realm that I have an ethical responsibility to keep working on my own challenges with people who won't be triggered by my behavior or discussions.  I need to be processing with people who are healthy enough to listen but not absorb what is going on with me.  They don't have to be professional, necessarily, but they do need to be healthy and detached or at least neutral.  I still will be there to support this person, and anyone else in my life with this struggle - I just won't be creating a safe, comfortable place for them to habitually fantasize about death.

So...that is when I started to step back from investing in my own thoughts and what happened was surprising.  As I intervened on the usual process I noticed that thinking like that had become a habit for me.  It was my go to place when I was stressed, sick, lonely, fearful, hungry, tired, and on and on ad nauseum.

When I noticed I was feeling suicidal because I was 30 minutes late eating I realized that it was a habit - a ridiculous one at that, and what I was now doing was changing the habit.  Of course, when I'm faced with something a little more challenging than being hungry, like mind boggling, never ending pain or endless, untreatable fatigue or days upon days of not being able to sleep or worse, a couple or all of these happening at the same time - well we'll see how far I've truly come with breaking the habit.
I developed a serious condition called Tardive Dyskenesia as a result of taking psychotropic drugs for many years.  If any of you watch the TV show "Good Wife", the opposing attorney played by Michael J. Fox has TD.  It causes involuntary movement in one or more parts of the body.  For me it causes my tongue to move about my mouth nonstop making it difficult to sleep and creating painful sores in my mouth.  It also causes restless leg and arm movements on my left side while I'm trying to sleep.  Because of this condition I have been off all of the medications to treat my Bipolar I except for a very mild anxiety medication that doesn't trigger it if I take it in the morning.

I am learning how to live life without medication and the cosmic timing of this decision to change the way I invest in my suicidal ideation has made it so that I feel like I can make it.  It is scary to think there are no medications to rescue me now.  I have to have a strong spiritual base.  I have to make sure I have healthy, strong, people in my relationships.

I have a lot of experience about how to live life with a serious mental illness.  I don't live the traditional life of being fully invested in the career and social express lane but I am fully invested in each interpersonal interaction that comes my way.  Our life out here on the road is complicated and yet I feel like I'm on vacation every day because there is no rut to get stuck in out here. 

Last night Walt was sharing with our neighbor some very specific information about our struggles with mental illness and suicidal thinking.  The neighbor seemed to absorb it without judgement which was comforting but I did come inside feeling vulnerable, and that feeling stayed with me for about twelve hours.

Now here I am writing this and putting that vulnerability in writing and on the internet.  I haven't shared much about my struggles with mental illness but Bryan's death has made me realize that something has to change.  I don't know what needs to happen to get things to change but I know transparency from me might just help some person who feels completely alone who is dealing with this or something similar.

I am open to having a dialogue with anyone who wants to know anything about this subject.  I relate from so many angles:  as the person with the mental illness and suicidal thinking; as the mother of a daughter dealing with the suicide of her boyfriend; as a parent who has had to deal with destructive behavior by adult children, and I have experience in addiction recovery.

I think the people that I least relate to are the ones that just can't imagine being suicidal.  Are they for real?  I am suspicious.  I hope they truly do not ever feel suicidal but what I find is that these people struggle the most in supporting someone who is suicidal - they tend to be judgemental and very critical.  I just know it is a lot easier to judge from the outside looking in than it is from the inside looking out.

Here is a link that speaks about the different kinds of loneliness that we, as humans, encounter.  Being suicidal is the worst kind of loneliness.  It can feel impenetrable looking out or observing.  Perhaps this article might help someone who is trying to name what they are feeling.  It is titled - "Will I Go Crazy?"  http://willigocrazy.org/Ch06a5.htm

I am posting another link here for a resource related to suicide.  If it is pertinent in your life at all, I hope you'll take a few minutes to peruse it.  This particular link will take you to a video about someone who failed in their attempt, which is a valuable conversation to engage in.  The key reason I am posting it though is that below the video there are several discussion topics where people are exploring the various challenges and dilemmas that accompany this issue.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jd_schramm.html


Today I live in gratitude that I am alive and that I am here to support my daughter.  The thought of her going through this alone makes my heart ache.  I am so grateful to Bryan's family too, for including her in the family activities and service.  It wasn't something she was expecting but I am certain it makes all the difference in how she heals from this.  This has created a lifetime of questions that will never be answered and the challenge of how to find the silver lining from this tragedy = these are the things she will be working on.  And if the universe is willing I will be around for a long while to walk beside her as she does.

I send out healing energy to anyone who's soul is hurting.  I have had a lot of different kinds of pain and that kind is the hardest to deal with.  Remember to hug the people in your life, notice when you get the gift of joy and take nothing and noone for granted.

Copyright (c) - 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  You may not publish or reprint this article except for educational purposes without the permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank you.