Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Perils of Peeing at the Beach

I am waiting outside in the Prius with Bruno while Walt is in Subway at New Smyrna Beach getting us a light dinner. It has been a magical day. I feel grounded, grateful and still head over heels in love with my husband and with Florida.

I told Walt on Friday that I didn't care how crappy I felt this weekend I wanted him to drag me to the beach. Saturday I experienced my first Florida thunderstorm and since it was so rainy it wasn't a good beach day. Today, Sunday, dawned warm and sunny and stayed that way. I am starting to feel somewhat better. The pain and fatigue comes and goes but after a good afternoon nap we drove over to New Smyrna Beach. It is about a thirty minute drive from the RV park. I slept in the car on the way over. We found a place to park on the beach near the porta potty, set up our zero gravity chairs and soaked up the late evening rays and salt spray.

We had several visits from the 12 year old boy from the family next to us. He had found some shells while snorkeling and wanted us to have some. The shells are now rattling around in the change tray along with the Gorilla rock (see previous post). We talked about Bruno with him and we shared our yummy Florida fruit and tasty, yet horrifyingly unhealthy pork rinds with him and his little brother.  His dad spoke only Spanish so we had to do some creative communication to make sure it was okay to share with them.  Apparently he hadn't read the "Racist" sign on my back so he was totally cool with it (see previous post for explanation). Funny, but I didn't even feel like a racist when we were talking, just a nice, old lady visiting with a really cute kid and his little brother, enjoying the weather, water and waves. What a relief.

We always try to park close to the porta potty when we go to the beach.  Well, first of all we always try to go to the beach where you can drive on the beach.  That is key.  Then we try to park near the porta potty.  This is because I have bladder issues and being close helps avoid any related stress.

The porta potty was placed at a slant with the doorway facing downhill.  You had to step up from the road, climb a little incline, step up into the unit, turn around and lean out to pull the door closed.  The door was difficult to close both because of the slant and because it was set on uneven ground and wouldn't close quite right. After negotiating the above listed challenges I would then have to brace myself with my hand reaching back against the ventilation pipe so that I could squat over the seat - AND NOT TOUCH IT WITH ANY BODY PART. Then I would have to figure out how to get the toilet paper off the roll without falling forward headfirst into the door.

The first two potty runs happened with just the right amount of difficulty and no mishaps. This is extra exceptional because I really am still feeling pretty wobbly and off balance from being sick.

On my third and final visit to the potty things did not go quite so well.  For those of you who squat in porta potties READ THIS PART CAREFULLY!

I had successfully negotiated all of the technical climbing elements required to get into the pot.  I had closed the door.  This time I decided to get my toilet paper first - to avoid the falling headfirst issue.  I was feeling very proud of myself at how smoothly this effort was going but as I was squatting and peeing I looked down and noticed water running by my right flipflop.

Alot of water.

I followed the origin and IT WAS COMING FROM ME! I was peeing on the closed toilet lid and it was running all over the seat area and down by my flipflop.  Well, being precariously balanced as I was I just had to go ahead and finish.

Then I wiped with the toilet paper I had so proudly and efficiently collected prior to my biological accident....lifted the lid and dropped it in.  Then I proceeded to use the rest of the toilet paper left on the roll (sorry fellow New Smryna Beach goers) to clean up my biological accident and finished by dropping it in, where the pee, poo and toilet paper is supposed to go.  I rubbed some sand around on the biological fluid spill on the floor and stepped out of the porta potty, accomplished the downhill element of the course and made a perfect 10 gymnastic landing in the road.

I walked back to the car and pretended that I had never even been in that porta potty.

Peace be with you and all that jazz!

Opasnosti mochit'sya no plyashe

Copyright 2012 - Chardale Irvine.  You may not publish or reprint this article without the permission of Chardale Irvine.  Thank You.


  1. OMG, that is sooooo funny! I gut laughed so hard the people in the cubes next to me were wondering what was going on! You are a great writer, sis!

    1. Ah thanks sista! You know me, can't miss a chance to enjoy some good potty humor.

  2. Omg that was so funny. I am just glad I wasn't drinking something. I was laughing so hard. Bill was asking me if I was ok.

  3. I know what you mean! When I got back to the car and told Walt about It I was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath.