They are strong, amazing people and parents. God is with them just as with you. Trust. Let go.
Your path is very, very narrow now for awhile. It isn't the first time. It won't be the last either. Remember to feel the hand of Jesus on your elbow as you've felt so many times before.
I know healing and repair seem irretrievable. Just keep praying. Stay in integrity. Never stop growing. It will come.
And those gold nuggets of connection - there are people out there doing that for your tribe too. Miracles happen every day for them too.
Forgive yourself for your failings as a mom. They can't forgive you until you forgive yourself.
And being Grandma - it's complicated sometimes and much less defined. You are a traveler who was raised by travelers. Who raised some people who might not be. Or some who aren't yet. You haven't traveled without thought or purpose but it makes collecting people challenging.
The illness- pain, fatigue, virus of the week, stigma that is M.E./CFS/Fibro - you carried the torch to the cure. You are almost there.
Write that book: I Suck At Grief. I'm okay with it - I think I am anyway. I sucked at grief too. My undeveloped gifts made the feelings too much. Too hard. That's a conversation we will have on the other side.
I love you beyond measure.
PS. Maury, Bruno, Chad and Jean say hi. Maury is a big strapping guy who looks a lot like your youngest sister. He's quite mischievous with that twinkle that you see in the Boys' eyes - always up to something. Chad is cool with Bentley's choice of seating. Jean thanks you for good intentions no matter what the result and just hopes you don't give up trying.
PPS. I visit the Rainbow Bridge every day. Bruno is happy to finally have a vacation. He plays a lot with Hank the cow dog and Tito but Jersey kind of keeps them penned in the corner sometimes. Willie still steps on everyone but he's much lighter up here so it doesn't hurt and everybody laughs.
Duke has really come out of his shell. Mimi is down the street digging in fresh trash every day. She's in heaven - literally:). Stetson has 43,212 leather gloves and 8 popped basketballs. Bruno sleeps on Stetson's back just like the old days and God lets him eat cat poop, but only once a week. Gizmo - he splits his time between me and this very nice Inuit man. (Yes there is snow in heaven but it's savagery stays on Earth). Sabrina is now the queen of everything.
They all wait on the Rainbow Bridge for their special humans. Hippie thinks Bruno is hot and he is a horn dog - so ya, you know where that's going. Bart and Scotch play with Ron 's labs - they chase sheep all day and they get a good Army tent to chew up once a month. Dave gets a fresh roll of toilet paper to disembowel everyday. Gus - well he was older than all the cats in heaven EVER when he got here so he is the old, codgy sage. He asked to be on the opposite side of the bridge from Dave. Lexi is by my side constantly. She, Cinnamon and Angel are best buds.
And the cockatiel wants nothing to do with you and has decided to cut all connections. He knows you understand;) He has recovered his tail feathers and has two working legs.